How to Divorce Someone You Don't Trust
Divorcing someone is always challenging. But when it's someone you've lost trust in, the emotional toll can be overwhelming, adding layers of complexity and hurt.
Betrayal is a shock that sparks cognitive dissonance within you between what you believed and what you discovered. Your internal compass is off, and your self-esteem is at an all-time low; everything feels uncertain and scary.
For some, denial of the betrayal runs so deep that you don't engage in the process. This behavior increases stress and expense.
My client Jane (a pseudonym) was unexpectedly served with divorce papers. She thought her best defense was to do nothing, believing that her husband would eventually come around. By the time she sought legal help, she was under tight deadlines and struggling to understand the process, prepare for mediations, and clarify her needs. Her attorney and I worked together to help her understand her financial situation and manage her emotions, ultimately enabling her to negotiate. Throughout the intensive preparation, she often expressed, "I wish I had taken this seriously."
Divorce is a legal process that affects our emotions, finances, property, and children. It requires that you see clearly, make wise choices, and protect your well-being, a tall order when you question yourself. To regain confidence, you have to shine a light on thoughts and actions that help you take action.
Karen became my client because her mediator told her she needed a coach to learn how to control herself during mediation, told me, "I'm coming to this divorce kicking and screaming. I don't want it." She explained how she learned her spouse was living a double life. He pursued the divorce. She shared all of his wrongdoings and called him rotten names throughout her tirade. When she was done, I asked, "Why would you want to be married to this person?" And her response, initially dead silence, gave her the clarity she needed to focus on the business of divorce. She dove into the numbers, decided her needs, and negotiated like a pro.
Redefining trust, creating safety, clarity, and stability for yourself during divorce will reduce complexity, paranoia, and fear.
Everything is a threat when you don't trust your partner. It's exhausting and clouds rational thinking. Instead, be guided by a healthy distrust of the situation. meaning you
Gather facts instead of relying on promises.
Verify details instead of taking things at face value.
You define what feels safe and protect yourself.
Remember, the person you married is not the person you're divorcing.
Initially, this new way of thinking may not come naturally to you. There are specific actions that can help reinforce self-esteem and promote self-worth renewal.
A crucial step to protect yourself legally and financially is to be prepared for a divorce.
Collect financial records, account statements, tax returns, and property information.
Keep a written record of significant conversations and agreements.
Watch for red flags, such as pressure to sign quickly, withholding documents, or changing stories.
Whenever possible, keep communication in writing—it creates a trail that protects you.
Having the right team in place can make a world of difference. An attorney safeguards your rights, and a divorce coach enables you to stay clear, organized, and prepared so you're a stronger client and save money in the process.
Learn to communicate differently with someone you don't trust.
Keep your conversations brief, factual, and calm.
Set boundaries around what you won't engage in.
Step back when things escalate.
Divorce coaches, especially those who prepare clients for court and mediation, can teach you ways to manage emotions when you're being pulled into your partner's chaos. They can also help you in other ways. To learn more, please visit here.
Reduce conflict and expense by focusing on the outcome you want, rather than your partner's wrongdoing.
When you focus on your future, you lessen the sting of the past and begin to heal.
Prepare and know your financial numbers.
Have realistic expectations to stay on point.
Work with people who don't fuel unnecessary fights.
Let go of battles that no longer serve you.
Keep in mind, no one wins in a divorce. You divide everything and forfeit something. With preparation, you have more control over what you choose to let go of.
Heal your sense of self with the actions I've covered, which build upon each other, and
Surround yourself with people who support you, reflect your worth, and educate you.
Use your time to journal and practice self-care.
Keep promises to yourself.
Each step you take towards emotional control, preparedness, self-protection, effective communication, and self-care enables you to begin healing, divorce with more self-esteem, and better outcomes.
I was lucky. I was a newly certified coach surrounded by eager-to-help new coaches when my spouse left. They helped me find the light to go forward, to raise my energy so that I could move beyond hostility and fear and take the reins of my divorce. When I left the court with the deed to my house in hand, I was a happy divorcee.
If you're feeling unsure about your next steps, I'd be glad to talk with you. You can reach me here.
