Why "fair" is a four-letter word in divorce, and how you can even the scales

If you're going through a divorce, you've probably thought, "I want this to be fair."

You want to be acknowledged for your hard work, value, and contributions. Perhaps you believe in fair compensation for wrongdoings.

But here's what many people (myself included) don't realize until it's too late:

Divorce is not a justice system.

Not in the way we think about justice.

It doesn't recognize harm.

It doesn't assign blame.

It doesn’t recognize fair.

And it doesn't make anyone whole again.

Divorce is a legal and administrative process. It's designed to:

1. Legally end a marriage.

2. Divide property, assets, and debts.

3. Establish custody arrangements, parenting time, and financial support.

The legal process will not deliver emotional closure, validate your sacrifices, or acknowledge wrongdoing.

The legal system doesn't care who lied, who checked out, or who gave up first. It deals in forms, facts, and formulas—not fairness.

And if you're expecting the system to be fair, let me help you understand why that belief will lead you down a path of false expectations, dashed hopes, and wasted dollars.

Why We Want It to Be Fair

When everything is crumbling—your identity, your future, your sense of control—it's completely normal to long for justice. Fairness becomes a stand-in for acknowledgment. A way to make sense of what feels senseless. Fairness becomes a hope that someone will finally say, "You were right," and "I'm sorry."

But the more tightly you hold onto fairness, the more likely you are to stay stuck, anchored to the past, waiting for something the system was never built to give you.

The Real Cost of Chasing Fairness

We often confuse being "fair" with being empowered. We think that if things are fair, our beliefs are justified. But in divorce, focusing on what should happen instead of what can happen can sabotage your future. Here's how:

1. You expend energy trying to win a moral argument in a system that doesn't consider morality.

2. You spend thousands on lawyers trying to get emotional justice instead of a workable outcome.

3. You overlook solutions that could have met your needs because they didn't "feel fair."

4. You jeopardize relationships that still matter, particularly if you're co-parenting.

When your version of fairness becomes the lens, everything else becomes distorted.

So What Can You Do?

If fairness isn't the goal, what is?

Clarity. Credibility. Strategy. Peace.

Here are four ways to even the scales and take back your power:

1. Replace Reactivity with Strategy

You don't have to silence your emotions, but don't let them steer the ship.

1. Work with someone who can help you manage triggers and stay grounded.

2. Use self-care as a means to build resilience.

3. Focus on where you're going, not what went wrong.

4. Develop the skills necessary for mediation or negotiation.

2. Get Legally and Financially Educated

Knowledge is power—and protection.

1. Learn your state's statutes about support, custody, and property division

2. Detail your financial journey—what you earned, what you gave, and understand what's at risk.

3. Know your numbers: budgets for yourself, your kids, your future.

4. Know where your money is: retirement accounts, savings, stocks.

5. Understand what's realistic so you don't waste time fighting for something the law won't support.

3. Lead With Strength and Compassion

Even if you can’t stand the other party, you can be clear, firm, and collaborative.

1. Define what matters most and what you need.

2. Ensure that your legal and financial teams align with your values.

3. Remember: showing empathy isn't giving in—it's about creating the conditions for better outcomes.

4. Negotiate with intention: give where it serves a bigger goal.

4. Be the Boss of Your Divorce

This is your life. Own your process.

1. Understand that you need to manage your team of legal and divorce professionals.

2. Know your values, your goals, and what you're building next

3. Empower yourself to make decisions from clarity, not crisis

Getting decision support

I work with my clients

If you're feeling overwhelmed or unsure of what's fair vs. what's possible, that's where I come in.

I offer a free Reality Check session—a safe space to talk about what's keeping you up at night, what you need most, and how to move forward with less fear and more confidence.

Together, we'll look at:

1. Your biggest concerns.

2. Where your current plan maybe costing you peace or power.

3. How I work with women like you to help them feel calm, clear, and confident during their divorce.

You have more control than you know. Let's talk about it, contact me here.